23 July 2009

On the topic of virginity

Recently, I posted a quiz result on Facebook that was based on the old slumber party game of Truth or Dare. The instructions were to either choose 'truth' or 'dare,' and then post the result on your profile. In your result are ten questions with the instruction to answer one of them truthfully in the post. The questions were your standard fare: do you have a crush on anyone, are you a bad kisser, have you ever farted in class, and so on. The last question was a fill-in-the-blank style where you could reveal any one truth about yourself that hadn't already been asked. I mistakenly answered the nine questions as truthfully as I could -- the bad kisser one threw me, because I've only kissed two people and neither of them said I was bad to my face, so I didn't know -- and on the tenth question I replied:

"...*deep breath*...I'm a virgin..."

It felt interesting to say it in a widespread public forum, and the responses I got were varied, from general surprise to "Dibs!" (which honestly cracked me up, since it was to be expected at some point, and the friend who said it is a sweet guy who means no harm) to "I'm a virgin, too." But the response that got me thinking the most was that virginity is bullshit. I agree to some extent. For myself, it doesn't matter anymore, although I sometimes wonder if I hold out much longer that the idea of what sex is in my mind will be far better than the actual act itself. I hope that made sense.

Anyhow, for many people, the idea that virginity is bullshit does not hold true. It is still a relatively important concept, particularly to those who believe that sex should be saved for marriage. I certainly cannot discount that as invalid, because it is a truth for someone else. I don't necessarily believe in it, clearly, but I also can't claim that it's bullshit. The myth of virginity or the concept of it is going to be different for every person. However, for my friend who says that virginity is bullshit, that is a truth for her, and I also can't discount that.

The whole point for me is this: I am a virgin. Is this a big deal? Not particularly. But it is a part of my life in some respect so it can't necessarily be thrown aside as just bullshit. It invokes a lot of questions about how I treat relationships and intimacy. The floor is now open for discussion.

10 comments:

Toff said...

I don't think I could post that on my own profile right now, though a number of my friends know.

Relationships and intimacy I haven't gotten any kind of handle on yet. Not just a virgin, but never dated, never even close to dating that I'm aware of. Shot down by the few (eightish?) I've dared to ask. Kissed by a woman once like fifteen years ago, who said I was good (my own suspicion is that she was a bad kisser, but I don't really know how to judge "good" or "bad"), but not a good experience partly because I wasn't in the moment at all and also because she wasn't interested in me (I did not then realize), she just wanted to see what kissing me would be like, knowing I never had.

Who were the guys you kissed?

Renee said...

It does mean you'll survive to the last reel, at least.

Anna said...

@Toff: It's kind of a weird thing to say, you know? I think a lot of people might be shamed by it. Or maybe not. It certainly doesn't seem common to be a 28 (or whatever)-year-old virgin. Does it? I've had exactly three boyfriends or relationships: one in high school (never kissed), one in college (first kiss, he was awful -- total face soaker), and one not too long ago (second kisser). I feel like I'm pretty out of it when it comes to relationships, though. I get frustrated and annoyed easily, and I can't quite peg why. Sometimes I think I'm just unlovable!

@Renee: Indeed I will! Never taken drugs, either. Take that, killers! ;)

Toff said...

I've been curious about the statistics about how many people are at my age (36 in a few weeks), don't think I'd come across anything. Can't be common, though.

I've never done drugs either, or smoked.

Toff said...

I don't know if I'd be shamed exactly to post to my own page about it. I don't know who your FB friends are, mine are a mix of recent acquaintances, older friends, friends I've recently reconnected with, online friends of many years, recent online acquaintances, and my sister-in-law (the only family member). It would partly be a question of what I'd hope to get out of doing it. Help finding a relationship would be welcome, but I don't know that any of my friends could help with that.

I've been somewhat curious to ask a woman on FB who's a "friend" what, if anything, she knows about what girls thought about me in junior/high school. We graduated together, and I think graduation was the only time she spoke to me back then. My impression at the time was that they'd all be horrified to have me talk to them much less express any interest, at which point they'd experience a psychotic break. Generally that latter fear has been confirmed any time that I have...

I feel I don't understand the process at all.

Anna said...

I don't know if I understand the process, either. I mean, I know "the process," but meeting people, all that...it's hard when you live in an area where the general social scene doesn't really interest you.

Toff said...

Hmm, I didn't hit publish apparently.

There are people around me I'd be interested in, I'm sure, just not sure about the vice versa.

Meeting people is hard for me, but the part I really don't get is how one goes from acquaintances to partners.

Anna said...

I think it's all in spending time with the person you're interested in enough to get a feel for them, and then asking if they'd maybe like to have coffee/see a movie/take a walk/whatever. It can be a slow process sometimes. I'm probably the worst person to give advice on this, though!

Toff said...

I've occasionally had female friends where we got coffee, saw a movie, etc., but from there I seem to botch it. Last woman I asked said I "jump[ed] ahead in a way that betrayed realistic attachment." Sigh.

Anna said...

What a weird thing to say. I suppose she was being honest in her own way, but I don't know the full situation to be able to properly comment. If you want, we can talk more via FB messaging.