21 July 2009

From 'Something Poetic and Random': a bit of a rattlesnake

i think it feels really good to smoke. at least, it feels so good in my dreams. i've had dreams of smoking for the last two or maybe three years. the first of these dreams involved me searching and searching for cigarettes. i would have this dream where i was driving to the gas stations with the intent to buy, but then i would wake up before completing the sale. sometimes i would be carded and i realize i forgot my license. sometimes i wouldn't have enough money.

the next dreams would be me obtaining said cigarettes, and even opening the pack and smelling the tobacco, but something would keep me from actually lighting and smoking them. sometimes it would be that the lighter was broken, but sometimes it would be because the gas station was robbed while i was there and i had to hide behind a rack of chips. end of dream.

the more recent set of dreams finds me enjoying the cigarettes, finally. i take great pleasure from lighting and inhaling, sucking in this wonderful feeling of love and warm and peace. sometimes these dreams are so powerful that my first thought on waking up is that i need to go buy a pack of smokes so i can be as happy as i am in my dream. there have been times that i will go get gasoline for my car and have to force myself to pay at the pump because i know if i go inside i will buy cigarettes.

i have never smoked in my life. i don't plan on starting to smoke. but this urge is coiled so tightly inside me like a spring that sometimes i am so afraid that i will become a smoker and die like my grandfather.

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