Lazybutt

I got this new phone. It's superfancy. Right now, this post is coming FROM THE PHONE HOLY SHIT BRO. It's a heady feeling. Tonight I spent the better part of two movies downloading a bunch of apps for the phone. All hail the phone. I got one that takes pictures and makes them look like shitty old polaroids. Progress! Another that figures out restaurant tips for me. Bad at math! Another that turns the camera flash into a kickbutt flashlight. Actually kinda useful!

Soon, our phones will be able to produce food and wipe our asses, and render all human contact obsolete. I don't need to visit gramma, when there's a Virtual Granny app for that!*

All hail the phone.

*not an actual app...yet

Hay guize!

I am proud to have made my first post over at WildClaw Theatre's Blood Radio. It's a happenin' hub for all things horror: not just film, but stage productions (something WildClaw simply excels at), books, art, events (mostly in the Chicago area, heads up on that, but also horror conventions and gatherings) and a host of other great schtuffs. So get yo' ass over there and check it out, and don't just do it because I'm the newest contributor to the site!*

*but you better, or I'll bust up your face.

Confessions of a Job-Seeker, Two

There is a numerical threshold of tolerance that one person can handle for watching consecutive episodes of "The Golden Girls." That number is three. After that, you are ready to strange Blanche.

Confessions of a Job-Seeker, One

I'm apparently a pretty big fan of children's programming when I don't have a job. But I will kill the first Wiggle I see in person.

Doubling Down: A KFC Adventure

Well, folks. Someone out there has to take one for the team, and why not me? Today's adventure is the Double Down from KFC.

I first heard about KFC's latest abomination a couple weeks ago, when they revealed that yes indeed they were legitimately going to be selling the sandwich made of two boneless chicken breast fillets, pepper jack cheese, two strips of bacon and something called the "Colonel's Sauce." Ew.

In retrospect, I should have gotten just the sandwich, if one can call it that, and not the combo meal, which includes a drink and potato wedges. My problem with many combo meals is that I eat the fries first, because I hate cold fries. Mistake! Big mistake! This slip-up almost done me in.

When I got home, I opened the box containing the abomination. There sat the Double Down, in a thin layer of grease. It looks like a dare. It smells like a dare. It tastes like the USA. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why you're fat. USA! USA! USA!

The sandwich itself is tasty and meaty. It could actually use a little more cheese, because the pepper jack provides a spiciness to the overall package. Also, and this goes without saying, there could be a little more bacon. Two tiny strips get lost in all that chicken. Four strips would probably be perfect. The "Colonel's Sauce" is a complete mystery, and should probably remain that way. I can't tell if it adds anything or not.

The first couple bites were "handheld," but the sandwich is rather large and greasy, so sadly I had to resort to a knife and fork method. This doesn't take anything away from the experience, aside from having to use less napkins/paper towels. Knife and fork = better for the environment. Also, you get a better-looking cross section of the thing.

About 3/4ths of the way through, I noticed a rumbling in my gut area, and had to pause to take an urgent bathroom break and have a personal double-down. After a walk around the apartment and a few more sips of Pepsi, it was back to the abomination.

All in all, it took about an hour to complete the Double Down, which is about what I expected. There was no way for me to plow into a sandwich of this magnitude. I feel pretty good about completing it, but that may be calling the putt early. If you don't hear from me tomorrow, call the authorities. I love you all, and it's been a wild ride.

Peace.

IT'S TAX SEASON RAGE TIME.

RAGE MOTHERFUCKERS.

I am confuse. How does someone without gainful employment (not working, not getting unemployment, not getting SSI or food stamps - NADA) and currently living at the local Econo Lodge (no shit) get a refund anticipation loan check of over $3600? This is something that has always bothered me about working for this place, among countless other things: how does this happen? WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?

I want to call some of these places and ask them just how a customer can get that much money. Because I am pissed. Because I am JEALOUS.

Rock Band Obsession

It's getting serious. I gotta talk about it all the time. I'm still playing at the 'Easy' level, but I'm so addicted to playing the drums, I do it every night. I got a band started on there called Bitchsnatch, but it's just me and an ever-revolving lineup of singers and guitarists. So far, Bitchsnatch has conquered Chicago (our hometown) and New York, and now we're working on Boston.

I need more local friends who can play guitar to join my band, or to start a new band. As much as I love pounding away on those drums, it's more fun to show off those MAD DRUMMING SKILLZ with other people around.

Anyhow, a typical set list goes as such: a little Elvis Costello, either Paramore or Panic At The Disco, something challenging like that Chop Suey song, and always close it with "Livin' On A Prayer." ALWAYS. It's good times.

Froooo-eee...POP*

Man. I've lost some weight lately. I won't list sizes because people will say "are you complaining? I'd love to lose weight like that/be that size again," when I'm not even complaining, I'm just saying. ANYWAY. I dropped two (or three, I don't know how it goes) sizes in around a year, maybe less. I don't bother weighing myself so I don't know when it started to happen. The point is, part of me kind of worries about it, because while I don't think I changed my diet much, there must be something different going on. I think it's because I'm cutting back on boredom eating. If I'm sitting down and watching TV or a movie, I feel like I should have something to eat. I could have had a huge meal beforehand, but it's that theater reflex kicking in, saying, "you want some popcorn," or "wouldn't ice cream sound great?"

TANGENT: I've also recently developed something of a lactose intolerance, which fucking sucks, because I love ice cream and milk. I suppose it's time to get those lactaid pills or whatever. In fact, discovering this makes me crave ice cream even more, which is totally fucking annoying. END TANGENT.

So I cut out the boredom eating. But still I wonder, is that all there is? Someone made a joke about a tapeworm and I think back to the time I ate that raw beef** and wonder some more. But still. I'm not complaining, especially because I'm back into pants that I was wearing in college. I feel healthy, and I like that I shed the pounds I never wanted to begin with, but still...how did it happen?

* title has no relevance to post, it's just a phrase that's been stuck in my head all damn day.

** That didn't happen. But still...tapeworm?

One Lovely Blog!

Man, here's a kick in the pants: I found out today that I've been awarded the 'One Lovely Blog' award by Brian Soloman, who runs the totally kick-ass Vault of Horror. The award is sort of like a pay-it-forward award, in that you can in turn pass it along to a fellow blogger or bloggers. NEAT! So, I got that going for me. Thanks B-Sol, you are a Righteous Dude! Now, if I can only figure out how to post the award along the side...

I'm going to pass along the award to a new project I've been involved with, Dreams in the Bitch House. It's all about horror, all written by women who love horror. We've done some podcasts, too, so check those out as well!

In other news, I haven't updated this thing since September, so here's a rundown of Crap That's Happened:

I am still gainfully employed. Same shitty job. It's getting even more tedious, though. I think the whole payday loan business is just eating at my brains like a hungry zombie. Morally, I can't swing it much more, and basically I'm just filling a spot here until my lease runs up. Then it's the sweet taste of freedom!

All major holidays, including Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's were pleasant and filled with friends, family and loved ones. No major injuries; well done, everyone.

I GOT ROCK BAND FUCK YEAH. Now I can play the drums to my heart's content, neighbors be damned. I think I got the easy level pretty much under my thumb, now it's a matter of tackling medium. That shit is tricky, so much love to real drummers who can hit the footpedal, toms, and cymbals at the same time. Also, when I was learning some of the songs, I'm pretty sure I heard Bun E. Carlos and Neal Peart spinning in their graves.* Oof.

In a related note, I have an XBox 360 now. What does one do with that besides play ROCK BAND? I don't know. I don't have a dick to put in it, so I guess me and the XBox are at an impasse until further notice.

Welp, I guess that's it for now. I am on Twitter and Facebook, so you can find me there. Be sure to let me know how you found me, otherwise I'll probably reject your fool ass from being a friend.

* JOKE. They aren't dead as of this writing.

Rant about dumbfuck people who don't listen

I am sick and tired of people who do not listen when I speak. When I tell you the four requirements to take out a loan, don't give me three of them and expect that I'll give you the loan on the understanding that you'll bring me that fourth piece of information when you feel like it. That is not how this works.

Also, when I ask you to provide further information for me to process your loan, you can either comply politely, or get the fuck out. The more attitude you give me, the less willing I am to help you. If your bank statement shows that your account has been overdrawn for more than 60 days straight, I am going to need a letter or document from the bank showing that your account is still open. Most banks can close your account if it has been overdrawn for 30 days straight, so I'm just ensuring that you are not trying to take out a loan on an account that is closed and that I cannot collect on should it get sent to the bank.

If I ask for something and say that you need to have it with you to originate a loan, you better have it with you. Don't sass me, don't say you'll provide it later, don't give me any fucking attitude about it, or I will find a way to turn you down for this loan. I don't have to play nice if you won't do me the same courtesy.

Good news bad news

The good news: the bite splint I have to get to prevent me from grinding my teeth down to nothing at night while I sleep is only going to cost me $134 instead of the $400 I originally thought.

The bad news: my car needed $800 more worth of repairs, this time to replace the struts entirely, as well as the rear brakes and some other minor tweaking. This on top of $700 from fixing the HVAC system and the power steering just over a month ago. I don't think the car is worth $1500, but I can't afford a new car payment at the time. Too bad it doesn't qualify for that government trade-in program, or I'd be all over that like flies on rice.

I sleep a lot

The last two evenings, I've come home from work and slept for two and three hours. That wouldn't be so bad if I were home at five in the evening, but I get home around seven. Sleeping until ten, just to go to bed an hour later, doesn't seem quite healthy to me. The last time I did this, that I can remember, is when I was a teenager. I would come home from school at about three, sleep until seven, eat dinner, then go back to bed about an hour later. But teenagers need more sleep, because they are growing and changing.

Anyhow...it's just weird. If I plan on napping, I think I better set an alarm.

Three strange things I've recently remembered

One: I once went to a house party for Arbonne, and the girl who was selling the products told us that we should all be having three poops a day because each time we eat, it should push the previous meal out of our bodies. Thankfully, two medical professionals were on the scene to correct this poor girl.

Two: A former schoolmate of mine went missing shortly after we were out of high school. I think they found his body days later. It was as if he'd gone out walking along the creek, in the woods, and just died.

Three: My brother and I videotaped the neighbor kid and his friends smashing up some electronics in the driveway. While this alone wasn't particularly funny, the fact that we were listening to Genesis' "No Son Of Mine" and that their movements seemed to sync up with the song made it hilarious.

Twitter

Lord save me, I started an account with Twitter. Username: pplsfrontjudea. I don't even know what I'll be doing with it, but there you are.

Eating habits die hard

I have terrible eating habits. Simply atrocious. It's always been this way for me, though. I was a picky eater as a child. Then it was discovered that I have problems with hypoglycemia, which means that I'll likely become a diabetic. I've never been one to follow the 'three meals a day' plan; rather, I prefer to pick and nibble throughout the day, which has actually become a recommended way to eat (I think the standard is six small meals). But what I choose to eat is usually just awful. Today, for example, I had the following:

One blueberry toaster waffle
A banana
Two paper coffee filters worth of cheesy poofs
Three or four small cups of crapple (cranberry apple) juice
Pretzel snaps dipped in extra chunky peanut butter
44 oz. frozen cappuccino from the gas station

Later on, I'll probably end up having a bowl of salad and an apple. It doesn't sound completely terrible, but it just doesn't seem that healthy to me. This is actually the best I've eaten in a while, so bad example.

Many days, I end up eating nothing for breakfast, having a late lunch consisting of a Banquet frozen dinner and then maybe a pop tart for dinner. Emphasis on 'maybe,' there. This is probably the worst thing I can do for my body. I know I have to change it up, but I get stuck in food ruts and find it hard to get out of them. Like with the Banquet meals; they're ten-for-ten most of the time, so it's easy to buy a bunch of them to have for lunches, and it's easier than dealing with leftovers (when and if I ever have them).

I'm not much of a cook at this point, although if I just put some effort into it, I could be. I even have easy-to-follow cookbooks, one of which is totally suited towards someone like me. It's a five-ingredient cookbook, meaning all the recipes only have five or less ingredients to them. And all the ingredients are easy to find in your average supermarket. I just don't know what my problem is.

On the topic of virginity

Recently, I posted a quiz result on Facebook that was based on the old slumber party game of Truth or Dare. The instructions were to either choose 'truth' or 'dare,' and then post the result on your profile. In your result are ten questions with the instruction to answer one of them truthfully in the post. The questions were your standard fare: do you have a crush on anyone, are you a bad kisser, have you ever farted in class, and so on. The last question was a fill-in-the-blank style where you could reveal any one truth about yourself that hadn't already been asked. I mistakenly answered the nine questions as truthfully as I could -- the bad kisser one threw me, because I've only kissed two people and neither of them said I was bad to my face, so I didn't know -- and on the tenth question I replied:

"...*deep breath*...I'm a virgin..."

It felt interesting to say it in a widespread public forum, and the responses I got were varied, from general surprise to "Dibs!" (which honestly cracked me up, since it was to be expected at some point, and the friend who said it is a sweet guy who means no harm) to "I'm a virgin, too." But the response that got me thinking the most was that virginity is bullshit. I agree to some extent. For myself, it doesn't matter anymore, although I sometimes wonder if I hold out much longer that the idea of what sex is in my mind will be far better than the actual act itself. I hope that made sense.

Anyhow, for many people, the idea that virginity is bullshit does not hold true. It is still a relatively important concept, particularly to those who believe that sex should be saved for marriage. I certainly cannot discount that as invalid, because it is a truth for someone else. I don't necessarily believe in it, clearly, but I also can't claim that it's bullshit. The myth of virginity or the concept of it is going to be different for every person. However, for my friend who says that virginity is bullshit, that is a truth for her, and I also can't discount that.

The whole point for me is this: I am a virgin. Is this a big deal? Not particularly. But it is a part of my life in some respect so it can't necessarily be thrown aside as just bullshit. It invokes a lot of questions about how I treat relationships and intimacy. The floor is now open for discussion.

It's Thursday! Not Wednesday!

I swear, sometimes I think I am stuck in some kind of time loop. Last week, on Wednesday at around 3:30 pm, I realized that it was actually Thursday, not Wednesday. It freaked me out for two reasons: one, I became incredibly disoriented; and two, I didn't find out it was Thursday until 3:30 pm. 3:30 pm! The day is almost over at that point! I scrambled to think of how many times I'd told people it was Wednesday, only to have them wonder if I was feeling okay.

And today, it happened again! On the drive to work, I was thinking, "I can't believe it's only Wednesday. This week sure seems awfully long," when I passed an air quality sign that said "Thursday's Air Quality: Green." I almost stopped the car on the highway. Again? Again?! Am I causing a time shift somehow? Or am I experiencing some sort of mental breakdown? I would hope that it isn't the latter, although if I suggest it's the former to people, they're going to assume it's the latter anyhow.

What is all the commotion?

Sometimes I think my upstairs neighbors like being loud just for the sake of being loud. It's not my thing. First of all, I live alone, so I don't have anyone to yell at/to. Second, I can take three steps without falling over or crashing into something. Okay, I don't know if that's exactly what they're doing up there, but it sure sounds like it. Third, when it's sexy time: a) it's just me so; b) it's not as bed-shakingly, floor squeakingly obnoxious.

I just don't get it. These aren't huge apartments. You can't tell me that it's impossible for the person/people you're living with to hear you in another room if you use a normal speaking voice. And if the other person is hard of hearing, then you can't tell me it's too hard to get up and go to that person to speak to them. Oh wait, I guess it is, since it seems you have a serious equilibrium problem.

And I'm not opposed to people having sex. But there are quiet hours here and they start around 10-10:30 pm. If you have the right to fuck like noisy animals, then I have the right to play 'Yakety Sax' at a similar volume level. Them's the rules.

The Memory Issue

Lately, I've been having noticable memory problems. For instance, today it seems that there was a specific reason I wanted to have this Saturday off, but for the life of me, I cannot remember why. I know it was something not two days ago I could remember. If you ask me what I wore on a certain day last week, I'd be unlikely to be able to tell you with any degree of accuracy. I wish I had more examples, but for the life of me, I can't even remember them. It's starting to weird me out.

Oh, I remember now...I have a dentist appointment Saturday morning at 8am. I wish I hadn't remembered that.

Today's Final Thought

I hate it when the Internet is acting up. All I wanted to do was visit either XTube or Lush Stories to get a little porn fix for the night (what? Girls masturbate, too!) but nooooooo. And now that the Internet's working properly, the moment has passed and I'm not in the mood.

On second thought...